


are you gay?

by phloridas



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), 2012 Era (Phandom), 5+1 Things, Bullying, Coming Out, Depression, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-15 12:00:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19295314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phloridas/pseuds/phloridas
Summary: The 5 times Dan denied he was gay (and the one time he didn't).





	are you gay?

**I.**

The first time Dan heard the word “gay,” he was barely six years old but even he could tell it was something deeply wrong.

After all, why else would he have been covered in dirt right then, his lungs burning and tummy aching as he gazed in horror at the massive dirty shoe print now stamped on his grey uniform shirt?

It took a few moments for Dan to stand again on shaky legs but of course as soon as he did, the big boys who’d run into him had disappeared. His teacher, just a few steps away near the school doors, was already leaning down to talk to a couple other kids in his class. He couldn’t bother her with this. Especially when he didn’t even know who those mean kids _were._

As much as he was hurting, Dan forced himself to believe it was all okay. He was just Dan. He wasn’t that “gay” thing, so he was okay!

Still, he couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe being Dan meant being whatever “gay” was--and if “gay” was wrong and bad, then maybe Dan was too.

 

 

*

Nana wasn’t around that night. Neither was Mum, as she’d plopped herself down in her back office with stacks of books and papers almost as tall as Dan from the second they’d returned home that afternoon. Dad was still at work of course, which left Dan with nothing to do but sit in front of the coffee table, digging through the cabinets for a videotape. It took a while but finally he found his favorite _Winnie the Pooh_ film and put it on the way Nana had showed him.

Yet he couldn’t focus on it no matter how hard he tried. The tummy rumbling sure didn’t help, but that wasn’t the only thing. When Tigger almost bounced right into Pooh, a moment that normally made Dan shriek with giggles, he instead felt himself freezing up as that morning’s events flashed before him.

Through it all, a chorus of that word-- _gay gay gay gay gay gay gay GAY_ \--played over and over in his head like a nasty nursery rhyme. Dan shook his head hard to clear it, but his face was still burning. His heart ached too, and in that moment, all he wanted was for Nana to show up and make this all better.

Except...wait. He couldn’t tell her. From the way those kids had shouted it, “gay” sounded like a naughty word. And Dan wasn’t allowed to say naughty words, especially not in front of Nana.

In the end, he didn’t tell a single soul. It burned inside him, nearly scorching him to a crisp for twenty three years, until he was sitting down at his laptop and later standing before a camera, forcing himself to confront his entire past.

He never did find out who those kids were, either. But at least they never terrorized him again.

 

**II.**

He did hear that word a lot over the next six years, though. And finally, when he was ten, he learned it was a descriptor for a boy who fancied other boys.

As well as for anything bad, annoying, or inherently terrible.

Well, it was a good thing that wasn’t Dan, right?

He’d had a _girlfriend_ for a couple weeks at the end of year six! They’d kissed and everything and Dan had really liked it! He’d liked her too, until she’d decided they weren’t meant to last the summer. Dan wasn’t that sad, though. It was more a relief than anything, since she lived pretty far and he wasn’t sure he could ask his mum to drive him to see her all the time. Plus, they never had much to talk about outside of theatre.

Starting year seven at an all boys’ school was worse than the time his parents had filled his room with fake snow on Christmas and Dan had woken up in a panic, knowing he’d have to clean everything up but having no idea how. These days, the panic never really left, and the insults only grew louder.

Dan had never done a single thing to these people. Most of them, he hadn’t even talked to.

So how come they were all calling him gay (and worse), when he so clearly wasn’t?

He hated his nana that year, but he hated himself even more for not having the nerve to fight back. Life wasn’t a theatre show. There was no one to come up with the perfect zinger at the right time and things didn’t resolve themselves in a tidy hour or two, or even at the end of the week. As much as Dan wished they would.

But then, things weren’t always so horrible. One gorgeous October day in year eight, Dan’s English teacher presented the class with a new seating chart, and Dan was lucky enough to get the chair next to Adam’s.

The coolest kid in their year (in Dan’s eyes anyway), Adam was hilarious in the moments you least expected it, a little quiet like Dan, and had the bluest eyes you’d ever see. He was smart too, easily as smart as Dan, and had a killer music taste.

This was Dan’s chance! Maybe, finally, he could get over that weird shyness that only seemed to happen around Adam, and they could actually be friends! Like, really good friends!

Just as the final students had settled into their seats, a subtle movement in Dan’s peripheral caught his eye. Gently, as if in a dream, Adam pulled a pencil from his blue fabric case, his dark dark hair falling delicately just above his eyes.

And those _eyes._ They were so bright, his thick eyelashes so close as his soft gaze came to meet Dan’s for just a moment. He nodded once, a tiny smile on his lips, and Dan couldn’t stop the blood from rushing to his face, or the massive grin that engulfed him, no matter how much he tried to bite it back.

He could write poems about those eyes, like the ones on the paper their teacher had just placed between them. Hell, he could write entire novels, even.

Dan couldn’t stop thinking about those eyes all throughout class. They were just so captivating, so full of...everything. In just that brief second (and, alright, all the tiny glances Dan stole when Adam wasn’t looking), he felt something deeper rippling between the two of them. Those bright blue eyes held a sadness that matched Dan’s own, a sadness that honestly broke Dan into a million tiny pieces. If only Dan could _understand_ what was weighing him down so much, he’d do whatever he could to heal that, to let Adam know everything was alright and Dan would be there for him whenever--

Oh god. Oh _fuck._

No. No, this couldn’t mean--surely Dan was making this up? This was just a byproduct of the damn sonnets they were studying! Or the _Moulin Rouge_ song stuck in his head! He couldn’t--he literally couldn’t be….

Yeah, no. Dan was absolutely making these feelings up. He cared a lot about his friends, that was all. He _couldn’t_ feel this way, not if he wanted to survive secondary school and college.

Try as he did to push those feelings down, though, they only grew stronger throughout the year. He and Adam did get closer, much to Dan’s delight, and had a lot of fun shit talking everyone in their year. Dan even invited Adam to his performances, even though Adam never once showed up. Still, there was something between them that thrilled Dan and made him excited to wake up in the morning for the first time in ages. By December, Adam was taking over his every thought, and Dan could feel himself unraveling every time he stepped into English class.

And then one day just before theatre practice, Adam destroyed everything--including Dan.

All week, Dan was mortified. How could he ever think there was anything more? How could he have ever been such a disgusting person? Feeling this way about one of his _friends_? How could he do that?

Clearly, he wasn’t worthy of anyone. Maybe he wasn’t even worthy of living anymore.

He could barely bring himself to go to school after that, or do much of anything. What point was there, when there was no place for a disgrace like him and the entire world so clearly wanted him eradicated?

Some days, the fog was so thick that Dan could hardly tell if he was alive or not, and didn’t care either way. Even theatre only offered a brief respite, as the second he’d climb off the stage, everything would come crashing down again.

It took a long time for things to feel okay after that. But thank god for Evanescence and Muse and these really cool American bands one of the decent kids in Dan’s year showed him one day in P.E. Because they got it. More than anyone else Dan had ever known.

And if these musicians could accept themselves, and flaunt it--and inspire whole hordes of others to do the same--maybe there was some hope for Dan after all.

He still wasn’t gay, though. But maybe, just maybe...he could be bisexual.

 

**III.**

The first time Dan believed it was okay for him to like (maybe even love) another boy, he had just turned eighteen and, just as the day was drawing to a close, found the greatest birthday present ever sitting in his YouTube subscription box.

Despite his many begs and pleads, Phil had refused to tell him what the “big video” he’d been stressing about all week was. But as Dan clicked through each little clip, he quickly came to realize Phil was right. All the surprises did make it _so_ much better.

In a way, Dan felt like this entire interactive adventure was made for him, even though he’d only gotten Phil’s attention last week. Surely he’d been working on this for so much longer than that. Dan was just getting to know Phil, and Phil him.

But the feeling only grew as he burrowed deeper beneath the sheets, completely transfixed by the tiny video player. It was all just...so _perfect._ And the music!!!

Dan had never known anyone who loved _Final Fantasy_ as much as him. Nobody knew how important the music was to him, how much it made him feel when he was sure he was incapable of emotion. _FFVII_ was the game he’d play over and over again in the days when he had no friends, the game that brought him comfort and a sense of accomplishment when he felt he couldn’t do anything right. He had a connection to those characters, to that world, that ran deeper than anything he felt to anyone on Earth.

Well...until now, anyway.

How did Phil _know_?

Dan barely even knew what he was typing out in the comments. He was just so _happy._ Crazy as it was, he felt like Phil was speaking to him through these videos. And for the first time ever, Dan felt seen. And heard.

He knew for a fact Phil liked boys too, thanks to MySpace. And maybe, just maybe...this could be like the beautiful turning point in musicals, where the music swells and the two love interests realize their feelings for each other and fall desperately in love.

That still didn’t make him gay, though. No, he just really (really _really_ ) liked Phil.

It hit him in a moment both terrifying and intoxicatingly thrilling. Perhaps, in this little corner of the internet no one would see, that was okay. Perhaps here, for the first time since Dan was a tiny child, he could be whoever he wanted to be. Love whoever he wanted to love.

It almost felt too good to be true.

 

**IV.**

And of course it was—way, _way_ too good to be true.

Just a couple years later, some YouTube glitch unprivated a bunch of people’s videos, including the one that meant more to Dan and Phil than anything else. The one Dan would rather die than let anyone else see.

Both he and Phil were gaining subscribers pretty quickly at that point, enough for BBC Radio 1 to notice them and ask them to do a Christmas show in a few months. Over the next year, though, those numbers exploded.

It was both incredibly exciting and deeply terrifying. Finally, Dan felt like he was part of the YouTube community--and he might not need a backup plan after all! But with those growing numbers came countless questions. And very few of them were about how he was doing, what TV shows he was watching, or music he was listening to that week.

No, of course they were all the same thing. Every day, over and over, both he and Phil were bombarded with the same two questions, endlessly.

Once again, Dan’s nightmares were full of the word _gay_ and bullies, and losing everything just because of this part of himself he couldn’t change. Childhood taunts rang in his ears every time the word popped up on his laptop screen, and he was thrust back into the awful ghostlike state where food lost all flavor and life lost all meaning and nobody could convince Dan he wasn’t absolutely worthless.

Things had changed a bit, though, as he now had no desire to lose this part of himself. While Dan’s constant negativity sometimes drove a wedge between him and Phil, he still cared about them and the life they’d built together more than anything. Phil had been there, through every horrible day of the last three years. He stayed, even when Dan couldn’t possibly understand why.

And that meant more to Dan than anything in the world.

He envied Phil’s ability to ignore it all. Dan wished he could do that too, but he knew it would never end that way. So he did the only thing he could.

He denied everything, over and over, for months in hopes that one of these denials might finally stick with people. But nobody believed him (and years later, Dan totally understood why). Pitchforks and proof followed him at every turn, receipts and reasons pounding so hard at his door and in every corner of his mind that some days, it was impossible to put on a brave face or even do much of anything.

Phil was always so good at easing Dan’s worries, though. Dan admired the fuck out of his endless optimism and did his best to help Phil through everything too. Because even on the days Dan couldn’t believe it, he knew Phil was right: what they had was wonderful. And so, so special. And there wasn’t a thing wrong with it, or with either of them.

Eventually, life was less of a living hell and Dan learned to be kinder to himself. Opportunities opened up for him and Phil too, and before Dan knew it, he was living his childhood dream with his favorite person in the world.

Things were good. Better than they ever were, in fact. Yet there was still something missing. Something Dan needed to do, especially when he and Phil were finally about to move into their dream forever home.

But goddamn it, it was _terrifying_.

 

**V.**

Dan had known he needed to make this video for years. He never wanted to. As much of an attention whore as he was, he couldn’t stand when all that attention was directed at his sexuality.

Go figure.

He hated the speculation even more, though. And deep down, he knew he couldn’t move on with his life until he came right out and said it.

So, soon after Interactive Introverts ended, Dan had a plan: immerse himself in queer culture and take a break from everything else, so he could focus everything on telling his story and coming out during Pride Month. Phil, god bless him, was all for it from the start.

There was one more thing, though. Of course, it was the thing that scared Dan more than anything.

The first two times he failed, it wasn’t a huge deal. Yeah, having that weight on his shoulders was pretty shit but at least he still had another chance.

It was the third that really crushed him.

After an unnervingly quiet Easter Sunday, Dan almost didn’t want to take the train back home. Because that would mean he’d ruined his last chance. He’d clammed up _again_ , when the words were right there, pounding in his mind and burning on his tongue.

He knew he wasn’t supposed to think this way anymore but...there must have been something wrong with him. Because he was pretty sure his family would be accepting, but what if they weren’t? What if Dan caused a scene, ruining yet another holiday when things were finally going alright?

At the same time, why should he give a fuck in the first place? Maybe he’s only now come to accept this, but he’s known this about himself for over twenty years. It’s a simple fact, like how he has brown curly hair or how he’s way taller than any normal human should be.

Still, it’s a fact that holds a lot of weight. It changes things for so many people. In some cases, it can even ruin lives.

In theory, Dan had no problem cutting them off if they invalidated him in anyway. But after Nana was so lovely to him and even his mum was more generous than usual, that reality felt so much harder.

Maybe that’s why he couldn’t push off the weight that settled around his shoulders on the ride back, no matter how much he wished he could.

By some miracle, Phil was right there waiting on the couch when Dan slumped in. Dan hated watching the glimmer in his eyes dim, hated being the source of that pain, but crawled gratefully into his arms anyway.

Once again, Phil held Dan as his entire world crashed around him.

All this _work._ All the pain that had gone into typing out that script, all the excruciating edits and rewrites and entire overhauls...it was all for nothing now.

All because he couldn’t say two stupid words to his own family.

He and Phil were doing Vidcon too! What the fuck was he supposed to do without a video to talk about? Would anyone even show up to the meetup?

What the hell was _wrong_ with him?

“You know, I was thinking,” Phil murmured into Dan’s hair after a few minutes of silence. “You don’t have to actually tell them. Why not just email them?”

Pushing himself off Phil’s chest just a little so their eyes could meet, Dan gasped. “Phil, you...holy shit, you’re a _genius_! Why the hell didn’t I think of that?”

Phil just smiled. “I dunno. But hey,” he tugged at his favorite curl of Dan’s, “I’m so damn proud of you, you know. This is already the best coming out video I’ve seen, and we haven’t even filmed it yet.”

“I mean, it still needs a lot of work. But,” Dan sighed, “I love you. So fucking much. I needed that today.”

In response, Phil pulled him closer, nuzzling his nose into Dan’s shoulder and breathing him in. And finally, the weight of expectation began to slide off.

Maybe this video will work. It’ll be the hardest thing he’s ever done, sure, but this isn’t entirely for him. This is for everyone else.

For the people he was so proud and happy to meet last year, and for all the others who were couldn’t or were too scared to share who they really were, but somehow trusted him and Phil enough to share their true selves with them. And for the people who could freely be themselves now, who gave him hope for the future.

Dan could be one of those people. No, he _will._

He just had to send an email first.

 

**I.**

“Is it...is it up? Oh fuck, I don’t wanna look, I--”

“It’s up!” Phil confirmed. “Need me to send the tweet for you?”

“God yes, please.” Dan still had his hands over his eyes, his every muscle pulled so tight he could barely breathe as he heard his laptop slide quietly across the desk.

“Tweet is up! I’ll take care of the rest, don’t worry.”

“Fuck, Phil.” Dan’s breath rushed out of him all in a rush. He hadn’t even known he was holding it. “Thank you. I love you so much, I could actually cry right now. I don’t know if I can look at these responses, now or ever.”

“Well, they’re all pretty shocked to start with. But it’s a super supportive shock at least!”

Dan spread his fingers a bit, blinking through the cracks at Phil’s shining face just inches away. “R--really? You’re sure?”

“Really really, Dan. This video is _incredible._ I know I’ve said it a million times but I am so fucking proud of you. And us.”

“Shit Phil, I totally forgot. Ohmygod, are--are you okay with all this too?”

“Yes Dan, of course I am.” Phil’s giggles punctured the air, melting the heavy silence into something Dan could maybe handle. “I mean, it’s scary as fuck. But it’s good too.”

Dan took a deep breath then, sliding his hands off his eyes to take in his whole office/liveshow space. Well.  _Old_ liveshow space.

So this was it. This was his world as he knew it, in the moment that Dan burst out of the closet (and Phil popped his head around to join him). On the iMac before him, a far more poised version of himself grinned and gestured silently, speaking the words that had been etched in his mind for months. Dan’s favorite succulent sat just to his left, next to his candle, whose delicious scent was helping ease Dan’s nerves more than anything else in the room.

To his right, Phil leaned back in one of the gaming room chairs, Dan’s phone and laptop closed and locked in front of him. Behind stood the other succulents and the white piano, all gleaming proudly as if they too knew how big a moment this was for the two of them.

Outside, a ray of sun fought to break through the clouds, and a distant hum of bird chatter drifted in from the window.

That was it. None of their surroundings had changed, yet Dan felt a shift in the air as clear as anything. _Everything_ had changed.

And then both their phones started buzzing off the hook.

His heart in his throat, Dan instinctively reached for his phone, but Phil smacked his hand down, fixing his eyes on Dan’s. So Dan grabbed Phil’s hand instead.

“Are you absolutely, one thousand percent sure you’re ready? You’re not gonna convince yourself you don’t deserve it? Because you absolutely fucking do, Dan, and a thousand times more.”

Phil kept his gaze locked on Dan’s as Dan nodded, close to tears. “Yes fuck, give me the phone, Lester!”

Phil threw his head back, his laughter sending a surge of emotion coursing through Dan as he squeezed Dan’s hand once before grabbing up his own phone and swiping into Twitter.

Of course Phil was right. And of course Dan’s tears came pouring out the second he glanced at the first couple messages.

These were so much _more_ than he ever dreamed of. And the video had barely been up for five minutes! Nobody knew about this aside from Phil and yet, the unconditional love and support pouring in from both close friends and total strangers made Dan bounce up and down in the desk chair like an overexcited child.

Phil was right again. Keeping this a surprise was _so_ much better.

They could breathe now. Both of them.

Finally.

Phil nudged his foot after a couple minutes of silence. “Hey. Want me to put in the order now?”

“God, I totally forgot--but nah, I think I can do it.” With a new strength racing through him, Dan pushed himself closer to the desk, pulling up the Domino’s website on the iMac. Suddenly, he was _starving._

And gay.

He could say that now! Maybe it still hurt a little but it also held so much power. Power that he honestly wouldn’t mind living off of.

_Dan: gay. Dan is gay. Dan gay._

For the first time ever, Dan loved the sound of that.

**Author's Note:**

> [Reblog](https://phloridas.tumblr.com/post/185730377121/are-you-gay) / [Retweet](https://twitter.com/phloridas/status/1141778032706957312)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, and HAPPY PRIDE!!! <3 <3 <3


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